Until the day comes when I get to interview the man himself, here is some fan fiction I wrote a while back (fan-fic interview? whatever). 

DAVID BOWIE ON FANS

I had the glamorous thought that I’d be dead by 30 but I’m still alive and bloody 65. Very few of us make it this long! I’ve heard that some Ziggy fans wished I had died at 30 and saved the world from Tin Machine. I take this as a compliment, as I generally find fans to be stupid. When the public’s against you it means at your most brilliant.

DAVID BOWIE ON GROWING OLDER

I believe it was Plato who said, “I feel like the cat’s whiskers.”  As I get older, I would give my right arm for someone new to sing all my songs for me. Well not my right arm, but I’d give somebody’s right arm. I would give Thom Yorke’s right arm.

I’ve got quite a short attention span. And that’s the way I am! When I was a bit younger American doctors kept trying prescribe me “Adderall” but after decades of cocaine use it’s rather ineffective.

DAVID BOWIE ON THE BEST NEW ARTIST

The trouble is, when I listen to new artists work I am so very bored. I enjoyed LCD Soundsystem, particularly  “All I Want,” but now they’ve bloody broken up and I’m left with Diamond Rings. It’s a pity my legacy has lead Canadians to fancy themselves artists simply for possessing similar model-esque Anglican features and an affinity for gender bending.  I suppose James Blake is tolerable.

WORST NEW ARTIST

I wish the music scene would quit farting around with Drake.  I need someone who could sing “Rock and Roll Suicide” at my funeral because after hearing Lulu I’m for fuck’s sake not asking Lou.

DAVID BOWIE ON LADY GAGA

I’m not familiar.

DAVID BOWIE ON DJS

DJs, what a nightmare. Bollocks. Utter crap, all of them. Dodgy sorts.

DAVID BOWIE ON KATE BUSH

I used to think up words and phrases and write them on pieces of paper and stuff them in a hat. Then I would pluck them out randomly and arrange them into artsy lyrics.  Kate Bush did this on 50 Words for Snow, except she cut up passages from Winnie the Pooh.

DAVID BOWIE ON LANA DEL RAY

There’s nothing more embarrassing than watching something perform who doesn’t love what they do, but feel it’s the only way they’ll be loved. Poor pretty little thing.

DAVID BOWIE ON PANTS

Me trousers changed the world. I’m David fucking Bowie.