HANDJOBS, NATURAL STRESS SOLUTIONS, AND DUMBO GETS MAD – SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

SEX

The handjob is a lost art. Sure, plenty of us gave them in high school, and threw some pity handjobs in college. You know the kind where you drunkenly go home with someone and realize half-way into the make out session that they look like a Dr. Seuss character. Perhaps you realize too late that that’s a NASCAR poster on his wall, but his cock is already out. There’s no way that thing’s going inside an orifice. Only option is a HJ.

DRUGS

Anyway, I squeezed a couple drops of lemon balm in my water and nothing happened, so I poured a shot or two more into my water and gulped it down. About a half an hour later, I felt goooood. Then I take a look at the bottle and discover this “liquid lemon balm” contains 30 percent grain alcohol.

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

I’m a jet-lagged insomniac who hasn’t slept in days. I’ve tried all the tricks I know; meditation, medication, marijuana, masturbation. Nothing is working. Dumbo Gets Mad’s upcoming LP Quantum Leap sounds like how I feel. Like I’m half awake and half asleep, in between the worlds of dreams and reality.

Above are selection, read the entire thing at VICE.com.

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