Month: January 2013

THE UNIVERSE SENT ME A BAKING SHEET; OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP BEING SO UNGRATEFUL

It’s not all sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll with me, did you know I can actually be a rather self-aware mystical princess? In my most recent piece for xoJane, I write about discovering a baking sheet washed ashore in Hawaii that reminded me of the importance of gratitude and to stop acting like a whiney Twitter-follower-counting brat. Read it here.

SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK ‘N’ ROLL – IN-HOME HIV TESTS, OXYCODONE, AND THE LAST BISON

My latest Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘N’ Roll column is now up on VICE, in which I take an in-home HIV test while at home for the holidays, rant about oxycodone, and love on the Last Bison.  Click the link and read the whole damn thing! Here are some highlights:

SEX

At home HIV tests already existed, but you had to take a blood sample and mail it off then wait a few days and call some hotline to get your results. With OraQuick, it’s the same oral swab test they use at Planned Parenthood. You know, they take you into a room and swab your mouth, then you spend the next 20 minutes in the waiting room making a mental flow chart of all the people your partner’s fucked trying not to have a panic attack.

DRUGS

The last time I was given oxycodone was when I went to an emergency clinic for horrible cramps, I was convinced I had a ruptured ovarian cyst or something and they gave me 5/325 Percocet. I didn’t end up taking them, but rather saved them in my bedroom drawer – you know the one, where the dildos and nipple clamps live. They’re for “emergencies” but sometimes I’ll nibble off a little crumb of one before a tattoo or Brazilian bikini wax appointment. Judge away, but Brazilian waxes are paid-for torture.

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

For the day after Christmas, when the cats wrestle in the wrapping-paper jungle left under the tree, and the Brits and anyone else smart enough to take advantage of Boxing Day are drunk once again, and for all the cold wintry days to follow — it’s nice to take a break from your usual hip-hop or punk and play something a little merrier. I’m convinced the Last Bison are lovely any season, in fact their upcoming full-length album doesn’t even come out until March, but I found them so delightfully perfect for the holidays I had to write about them now.