Month: August 2017

I Used Weed Lube to Turn My Vagina into an Edible

I wrote this for Merry Jane. Image courtesy of Flickr. 

Pussy is magic. It has the power to give both its owner and those given the privilege of experiencing it extreme pleasure. Weed is also magic and shares with pussy the ability to give those close enough to inhale it pleasure. Having learned that drinking an entire bottle of Foria (450 mg of THC) will get you high for three days, I wondered: Can I turn my vagina into an edible?

The answer is yes. “If someone sprays [Foria] on their vulva and their partner goes down on them, their vulva has now become an edible at 2.5 mg per spray and will absolutely get the oral giver high,” says sex and cannabis educator Ashley Manta, the creator of CannaSexual. People getting high off their genitals is nothing new. Think about the decades of cocaine users who had a partner blow blow up their buttholes (otherwise known as “boofing” or for the revisionist rock historians out there, “pulling a Stevie Nicks”). Everyone is entitled to their own definition of magic. Personally, I find that laying down and getting my pussy eaten as my partner gets stoned makes me feel like a goddess while boofing is something I’m happy to forget about, like the time in my life where I was determined to fuck the dudes in MGMT. Not to mention that cannabis is an immensely safer substance than cocaine, despite the Federal Government’s insistence on labeling cannabis a Schedule I drug and cocaine a Schedule II.

Foria confirms on their website that if you squirt their pleasure spray on your vagina and then have your partner go down on you, they can get stoned. When just rubbed into the vulva, there’s rarely a psychoactive effect. Someone has to eat it. Foria doesn’t just say you can get stoned by going down on a cannabis-laced pussy, they’re active advocates of the practice. “We absolutely encourage couples to play with Foria for oral as a way to for the giver to get high,” says Mathew Gerson, the creator and co-CEO of Foria.

Brittany J. Confer, Foria’s Director of Marketing and PR, adds that when men overly concerned with their own pleasure (a penis can’t get stoned, guys need to put it up their butt for absorption) often ask her what’s in it for them. When faced with such a selfish question, she tells them, “It’s like turning her vagina into an edible. If you go down on her, you’ll be giving yourself a nice little high depending on how much product the two of you use and how long she waits to allow the Foria Pleasure to absorb.”

Everyone was telling me that I could turn my vagina into an edible, but I had to test it out to be certain. Thankfully I’m seeing a guy I’ll call Lupo, who enjoys eating both pussy and weed, and is delightfully concerned with my pleasure. After catching up on Game of Thrones together, he spritzed around three to four sprays––about 10mg worth of weed––around my clit and labia. We made out for about 15 minutes to let the pleasure spray do its thing in my mucous membranes, the time advised to let Foria kick in for sexual enhancement purposes, and then he went down on me. I’ll pull a curtain across the screen and ask anyone under 18 to look away for what happened over the next hour or so. When we concluded our adult activities, I eagerly asked him: “Are you stoned from my pussy?”

“I can’t really tell,” he answered, and then fell asleep.

Even though Lupo did a wonderful job helping with my experiment I was sad. I wanted my vagina to not only give the best orgasms but the best buzz. I asked Manta what could have gone wrong. “It seems likely that your vag absorbed a good bit of it,” Manta says. That’s what I get for being selfish and wanting to get my vagina stoned rather than asking him to lick it off immediately after application. “But also it would take up to two hours to kick in (like an edible), so it may have been that he didn’t feel the effects until later and his tolerance was high enough that it was barely perceptible. That’s my hunch, at least,” she tells me. Aha! So Lupo likely didn’t feel much either because he had a high tolerance, because my pussy had consumed all the THC, or because he fell asleep after about an hour of ingestion, so there wasn’t enough time to see the full effects (or all of the above).

I could have retried the experiment again with Lupo again with adjustments, but unfortunately, my job consists of more than spraying weed on my pussy and then having beautiful men go down on me. I also enjoying eating vaginas myself and pondered how I could go from scientist to test subject by licking Foria off of another vagina. There is a woman I have been intimate with, but she isn’t a cannabis consumer, and while there’s rarely a psychoactive effect from topical use on the vulva alone, some people do experience one. Plus I felt like a creep asking her. So I did the natural next step: I spritzed some on my own vagina, pulled out my yoga mat, and tried to see if I could eat my own pussy. Nope. I knew I needed to be stretching more. So I did the following logical thing: I squirted one 2.5 mg spray of Foria onto each of my nipples.

Now those, I am flexible enough to lick. Immediately after the spray made contact, I licked off approximately 5 mg of cannabis, my preferred edible dosage and the recommended starting size by campaigns aimed to make edibles a safer experience––aka, one that doesn’t last for three whole days.

It worked. After about two hours, I indeed got stoned from licking my nipples. I felt heavenly from combined the power of cannabis and erogenous zones.

If I were a scientist writing an academic paper on my experience, here’s what I would say: My thesis upon conducting this experiment was that I could turn my vagina into an edible by applying Foria pleasure spray. Both a sex and cannabis educator and the makers of Foria supported this thesis. Due to variables such as Lupo’s tolerance and the male’s tendency to fall asleep post-orgasm, my initial experiment did not produce my desired outcome. However, my second solo experiment (masturbation is the key to a happy life) confirmed you can turn your body can into an edible with the application of a cannabis topical such as Foria. My conclusion is that you can not only turn vaginas into edibles, but nipples, butt holes, toes, or whatever gets you off. Go forth and (safely and legally) try it for yourself.

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What to Say When Your Girlfriend Gets Cosmetic Surgery

Read my sexy lips.

This article was originally published in GQ. Illustration by Cecile Dormeau. 

Recently I got lip fillers. I did it for myself, not “for a guy,” and my new lips look great (they look like my usual lips, but fuller and with a little Cupid’s bow). But when I told the men in my life what I was up to, they didn’t really know what to do with it.

From Donald Trump’s sexist tweet about MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski’s supposed facelift to Rob Kardashian’s bizarre social-media meltdown about Blac Chyna’s plastic surgery, there are a lot of examples of how not to speak to and about women who elect to get cosmetic procedures. Maybe you’d be stoked if your girlfriend announced that she wanted to get work done. But you might also feel apprehensive, especially if your lady is planning a nose job or a breast augmentation, more drastic procedures that require anesthesia. You respect her and you love the way she looks already, and that’s beautiful. But when she brings up getting work done, give her the benefit of the doubt: Trust that she’s put thought into this and done her research. If all she wants is a little Botox or lip fillers, chill. Ask her why she wants it done, and listen. Express your thoughts and concerns, but at the end of the day, it’s her body and her choice. Ultimately, you should support it. It might end up turning you on.

Don’t be like Donald and Rob—here’s what to say and do to be supportive each step of the way:

Before: Don’t Overdo It

“You’re beautiful just the way you are,” is at its core a supportive sentiment, and an important (albeit Bruno Mars-y) one. However, if your partner is telling you that she wants work done, please don’t undermine her intelligence and right to choose her own aesthetic by defaulting to praises of natural beauty. I, for instance, already have pink hair and eyelash extensions. Whenever a dude waxes poetic about how lovely I’d look if I let the pink wash out and opted for my natural brown hair, I feel like he’s undermining my decisions. I don’t feel like myself with long brown hair, I feel like myself with a messy magenta bob, damnit! The same goes for getting work done. When I first announced that I was going to get lip fillers, one guy said something mean about how I “just wanted to feel better about myself.” Well, in a sense, yeah—I wanted them because I enjoy feeling hot and powerful and I like how they look. Please don’t patronize me, or any woman, by assuming the desire to get work done is to fill some soul hole. Respect that this is my body, my choice, and my money, and if I want some Lana Del Rey-esque pouty lips, then that’s up to me. Don’t assume or say anything that infantilizes a woman’s choices about her body. And for fuck’s sake, don’t say something plain mean like “that’s gross,” because I know you follow Kylie Jenner on Instagram.

During: Be There in Person or in Texts

If your lady is getting something done that requires anesthesia, such as a nose or boob job, it might be nice to go with her, but injections are so quick that it’s not necessary. If you can’t join her on her beauty expedition, encourage her the day of and check in throughout in a supportive—but not annoying—manner. She’s about to experience a teeny bit of pain. Feel free to ask her, “Does it hurt?” and then laud women for having such high pain tolerance. Sitting in a comfy chair in Dr. Dara Liotta’s pristine Manhattan office, I loved getting my lips done. I have ten tattoos and enjoy BDSM so I may not be the best judge of pain threshold, but injections are truly no biggie. If you’re curious and want a fair comparison, I went to the dentist earlier that week and that sucked a million times more. Dr. Liotta’s office was sexy. Getting work done really does feel sexy, so totally amp that up—either verbally, if she allows you to accompany her, or through texts. Ask her things like, “How you holding up, champ?” or joke around about celebrity sightings. Truly the best things you can say during the procedure are words of encouragement, such as: “You got this! You’re going to look even hotter, if that’s possible.” Those newly plumped lips will reward you.

After: Give Her Soup and Space

If you want to score all the points after her procedure, bring her things like delicious soup, frozen yogurt, and ice packs. Snuggle up with movies or a House of Cards binge-watching session. Know that she may not be able to continue a conversation because her lips are sore. And if she wants space, give her space. Regarding lip augmentation, it takes a day or so to go from swollen to sexy—for other procedures it can take a lot longer. You know in High Fidelity, when John Cusack talks about his girlfriend’s plain cotton underwear “hanging on the thing,” and how there are parts of intimacy that aren’t inherently sexy? John Cusack fantasizes about other women, knowing that they too probably have cotton panties, but he only sees them in lingerie. Your girlfriend might not want to taint the sexy intimacy with this moment of puffy-lipped un-sexy intimacy. If you are allowed over to watch her attempt post-procedure ramen slurping, make sure she’s comfy, and if you make any jokes about how she looks puffy, do it with love. And then, yes: Please let go of any hang-ups you might have, and enjoy her beautiful newly plumped lips, which she elected to get done just because she wanted to. Since you’ve been so supportive of her choices you get to have fun with those suckers!