guy stuff

How to Tell Your Girlfriend You Still Talk to Your Ex

This handy heap of advice was originally published on GQ.com

Deep breath in, then exhale: It’s not cheating if you still talk to your ex girlfriend. Phew!

If you’re like, “Her? Gross! Meg broke my heart. Why would I want a reminder of that period I pretended to like Dave Matthews Band? I don’t WANT to talk to her”—great, you’re in the clear. But perhaps you shared a deep love with your ex and even though the relationship didn’t work out, you still want to catch up every once in a while. That’s totally chill.

Which is to say, it’s totally chill if your current partner knows you’re still talking to Meg. If she has no idea, you’re being a sneaky dick. Sorry. So here are three tips for telling your current partner about your friendship with your ex in a manner that will allow you to keep them both in your life.

1. Make Sure You’re Over Meg

Here’s the thing: Women know everything. I’m not going to tell you how, but it’s true. If your girlfriend doesn’t already know you’re secretly waxing poetic with your ex via late night text messages, she will soon. So be up front about it. First thing’s first: Why are you up late texting Meg “Crash Into Me” lyrics? Are you miserable in your current relationship and perhaps harboring some unresolved romance for the one that got away? If so, you need to have a larger conversation. But maybe you’ve just had a late-night recollection of the time the Dave Matthews Band tour bus shit all over Chicago and you want to tell Meg because you know she’ll laugh. Go for it! We should never stop talking about that great moment in American history. But even if you just want to be friendly with Meg and maybe get lunch with her when she’s in town, you still have to tell your partner. If you’re wondering if the nature of your friendship with your ex is appropriate, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if it would make you uncomfortable if the situation were reversed.

2. Don’t Tell Her, Ask Her

As stated, your new lover probably already knows that you’re talking to Meg. So just be chill, upfront, and honest about it, as soon as possible into your current relationship. Say this, casually: “Hey Sasha, after Meg and I broke up we kept in touch. She won’t be a huge part of our lives or anything, but we text from time to time and occasionally we grab lunch or coffee and catch up. Does that bother you?” Chances are Sasha won’t be thrilled, but if she’s an understanding, mature human, she’ll understand and allow it. Asking her if she’s okay with you and Meg keeping in touch gives her an opportunity to be Cool Girlfriend. (She’s probably also been in touch with her exes, and your honesty will guilt-trip the crap out of her.)

3. Never mention Meg again.

Never.

3 Easy Ways to Impress Your New Girlfriend’s Friends

Illustration by Cécile Dormeau, originally published in GQ.

It happened. After seeing each other for a few months, your girlfriend has invited you to meet her friends, and you’re apprehensive. They’ve heard all about you (yeah, they know what your dick looks like). You’ve heard all about them: Ashley intimidates you. You’ve already met Molly through other friends and are worried you made a pass three years ago at a holiday party. You like your girlfriend—maybe you even love her. Now you need her friends to like you, too. Here’s how:

Show Up

Once I was dating someone we’ll call Trevor, who didn’t want to meet my friends. I was young and in denial. Of course, it turned out he had another girlfriend in another New York City borough. Before I figured this out, my friends warned me: “We haven’t met Trevor—is this an actual relationship? Are you sure he’s real?” Then one day, when I was taking Trevor to buy a coat (which is a major girlfriend request from someone playing me, by the way, Trevor), we ran into one of my friends on the street. She said out loud in complete disdain, “Oh, my God, you are real. Nice to meet you.” Women are smart. It’s a major red flag if someone doesn’t want to meet your friends. Don’t be like Trevor, who has since been banished from the city. If you’re exclusive and/or have been going out for more than a few months, you have to show up when your girlfriend invites you to meet her friends. And once you’ve shown up (on time), really show up: Make some jokes, ask sincere questions about her friends’ interests, and act affectionate toward your girlfriend. They’ll love you.

Know When to F*ck Off

Avoiding meeting your girlfriend’s friends is suspect, but not knowing when to step back and give her time sans boyfriend is even more annoying. No one likes a significant other who comes to every single happy hour or brunch. Sometimes women can be complicit in dragging their boyfriend everywhere, and if that’s the case, talk to her about it. She needs alone time with her friends. You need alone time with your friends. One of the secrets to a successful relationship is having time with your buddies to bitch about said relationship. Don’t be the clingy boyfriend at all social events wearing an Apple Watch that alerts you whenever your girlfriend tweets (I’ve seen this happen, and the relationship did not work out).

Know That They’re Watching You

Regardless of how amazing you are, your girlfriend is going to talk about you. There are glass-half-full people who can’t stop raving about their perfect relationship, but most of us are cynical assholes who only open our mouths when we want to bitch about something. If she finds out you’ve been texting with your ex, her friends will hear about it. If you come home after taking mushrooms with your friends and start humming “Your Body Is a Wonderland” during a hand job, her friends will hear. A measured appreciation of early-aughts John Mayer is normal. So is getting into a tiff over an ex. However: Acting controlling or overly jealous, or screaming at her, is neither healthy nor normal. If you act like that, she will tell her friends and they will tell her to dump you, regardless of how good your jokes were at brunch. The real secret to winning over your girlfriend’s friends is treating her with respect.


3 Things You Should Add to Your Tinder Bio If You’re a Short Guy

Did I mention I’m writing for GQ now? Dream come true. This article was originally published on GQ.com. 

Short guys: I’m sorry. The stigma against you is unfair, especially when it comes to Tinder. When the next option is simply a swipe of a finger away, it’s too easy to dismiss a potentially perfect partner based on shallow attributes. Women don’t really give a fuck about height IRL, but then we jump on Tinder and we’re faced with all these giant men boasting about their heights (“6’3”, because apparently that’s important to you”) and it starts to feel like a priority. Height is important to some women, but they’re usually the ones looking for one-off sexual encounters, rather than a love stronger than superficial requirements. Perhaps you’re thinking: “This is some bullshit, women should love me for me, not my height, and I’m not going to mention it.” But if you’re shorter than the average U.S. male height (5’9”) there are actually benefits to listing your height on your Tinder profile—at least, within a few inches. Calling 5’5” 5’6”, for example, seems relatively harmless. Just don’t outright lie, by using photos that aren’t you or by calling yourself an entire six inches taller than you actually are. Lying will start your first date off on a bad foot, and no one wants to fuck a liar.

A soothing FYI: I’ve dated guys who are 5’5” with much bigger dicks than guys who are 6’5”.

A cautionary FYI: Never brag about your dick size on a Tinder profile.

If you play it right, you can appear suave and confident right out the gate. Here are some non-douchey suggestions to put in your Tinder profile if you’re short.

“I’m 5’4” but don’t give a fuck if you wear heels.”

Unless you have reached enlightenment—Gandhi was 5’4”—if you’re a short guy you likely dogive a fuck if the lady standing next to you wears heels. Non-Gandhi straight men typically want to be yuge-er than their mate (can you even imagine how extra awful Trump would be if he was short?) This dates back to caveman roles where the man was expected to protect his kin from saber tooth tigers (probably). Therefore, for many short men a woman of equal or lesser height should be an ideal match. But ugh, heels. In my experiences dating shorter guys, their prickly discomfort when I wore heels (Doc Martens don’t work at an upscale holiday party, sorry) was my biggest beef. Owning your height and acting secure enough to be okay with women wearing heels is a stepping stone to fantastic sex.

“I’m 5’5″ so we can’t ride everything at the fair unless you bring a large trench coat.”

This Tinder bio suggestion came directly from my friend Dave, who has used it with success. Being funny and irreverent gets you laid. Confidence gets you laid. You know who I’d like to swipe right with? Al Pacino. Sure, he’s 5’7”, but he’s Al Pacino (Al Paci-YES). Confidence is everything. Add this to your profile because it shows you don’t give a fuck; you’re so dope you’ll sit on a chick’s soldiers in a trench coat like you’re in The Little Rascals.

“I’m the same height as Gael García Bernal.”

Not only is Gael García Bernal hot as hell (holy Motorcycle Diaries) but you’re shifting the short-guy association away from the Tom Cruises and Napoleons of the world. The dreaded Napoleon Complex implies that as a short guy, you suffer from insecurities that lead to brutal war crimes (or, you know, being rude to waiters). That stereotype is often inaccurate, but we’ve all heard it. Redirect her attention to a sexy, successful, non-war criminal. Daniel Radcliffe is 5’5” and who doesn’t want to fuck Harry Potter? Prince (RIP), the man capable of delivering the most powerful orgasm on the planet, was 5’2”. By using celebrity comparisons rather than numbers, you’re also allowing for useful (and erotic) visualization.

A final soothing FYI: I’m still not entirely sure how tall my current boyfriend is, and we live together. He’s somewhere around my height, but I’m not even entirely sure how tall I am. Further proof that women truly DGAF about height.

 

I Got Botox in My Scrotum and My Sex Life Has Never Been Better

I wrote this for Cosmo! Originally published here. The lovely artwork is by Katie Buckleitner.

Wanting to smooth forehead wrinkles is one thing, but men, whose use of cosmetic fillers has risen 355 percent from 2000 to 2015, have begun to inject Botox into an unlikely place: Their scrotum. The procedure is called “Scrotox,” a term made famous by a 2010 Saturday Night Live sketch. While injecting Botox into the scrotum has gone viral for cosmetic reasons, actual medical research is slim. “There’s literally only one peer-reviewed manuscript on Scrotox, and it wasn’t for cosmetic; it was for scrotal pain,” says Dr. Mary K. Samplaski, resident scrotum expert at the University of Southern California, Institute of Urology.

Men looking to smooth their sack often seek out plastic surgeons like Dr. John Mesa, who has performed Scrotox (solely using Botox for its reliability) on 10 men in the past year. Botox relaxes muscles, allowing the testicles to drop lower, which can make your balls look bigger. According to Mesa, Scrotox mimics the effect of a warm day: the balls appear lower and look smoother with fewer wrinkles. The cost of Scrotox is the roughly same as regular Botox, or $520-$800 per session.

While the procedure is believed to be as safe as Botox anywhere else on the body, injecting neurotoxins into your scrotum can seem daunting. If testicles become too hot, a man can risk becoming sterile. As Dr. Mesa explains, however, since Scrotox causes the balls to drop lower rather than closer to the body, “…I would say Botox in the scrotum would be more beneficial because it keeps the temperature of the testicles lower.”

Cosmopolitan.com spoke to one man who received Scrotox for cosmetic reasons. Here’s what he had to say about the procedure.

“I’m a 29-year-old man, I live in Manhattan, and yes, I got Scrotox. I’m a physician myself, an internist. Botox, especially on your scrotum, can still have some stigma depending on who you are talking to, so because I’m a physician, I wanted to be confidential. I do have a bunch of friends who have been getting Botox or plastic surgeries, and some of them are actually guys. I can sense that it’s an increasing trend for guys to be more open to plastic surgery and procedures such as Scrotox.

Dr. Mesa has done Botox for me before, about a year and a half ago. I had some done on my forehead because I have wrinkles and I wanted to avoid them getting worse as a preventative measure.

I learned about Scrotox through my girlfriend, who is also a physician. She said that she heard a friend talking about it. She had never mentioned or complained about how my scrotum looked before, but after hearing about the procedure from friends she became curious, and started joking around about me getting it done. She’d say, ‘You know what, what do you think about this?’ At first, I was like, ‘That sounds pretty crazy.’ But she just kept joking around that it could be good for sex, so I began to become curious myself. We began doing research together about the procedure, and read user reviews that said since Scrotox makes the balls hang lower and looser, my [scrotum] would make contact better with her skin during sex. In particular, [it would] stimulate the clitoris more. We also were curious about it making sex better for me, as looser balls could feel more comfortable for me as well.

We’re a couple who enjoys trying new things together, and since we’re also both physicians, we’re comfortable with medical procedures. After reading comments on plastic surgery online forums, and noticing a consistency (no one wrote that they had regretted it) and then discussing with friends in the medical field, I decided to go for it. Honestly, it was curiosity, and a desire to try something new with my girlfriend, that lead me from originally thinking the idea was crazy to wanting to give it a shot. Why not?

So in July, I had the procedure done. The day I went into Dr. Mesa’s office, my girlfriend told me she was excited, and my thoughts were mostly nervous excitement. It’s an invasive procedure, and obviously the genitals are a sensitive region, but then again so is the face, and I’d already had Botox done there with no problem.

Compared to Botox on my forehead, the procedure was similar; but yes, as it turns out this is definitely a more sensitive area. Honestly, though, I was expecting it to be a little bit more painful. At the beginning when they apply the anesthetic you can feel that, and that’s uncomfortable for a few seconds, and then you don’t really feel any pain during the actual injections. While the procedure feels like 10 hours due to nerves, it actually only takes about 10-15 minutes. My doctor engaged me in small talk the entire time to help distract me.

It’s a little bit sore and sensitive for a few hours after, but by the next day I felt fine. The results don’t happen right away, but within that week or so I did feel like my scrotum was more relaxed than before. They are not loose all the time, which is one of the things I was not expecting. It was after the results had set in, about five days afterward, when I showed my girlfriend and we had sex. She was pleased with both the results and that I was open-minded enough to try the Scrotox. The sex was great! It did make the sex more enjoyable. While it doesn’t make sex last longer, along with the aesthetics, my lower-hanging, relaxed and looser balls were more stimulating for my girlfriend. For her, she says it does stimulate the vulva region more and perhaps even the clitoris [when we have sex in certain positions]. As they are lower, they can reach places on her body better.

I think overall, the biggest effect the procedure had on our relationship is that I showed I was willing to be being open minded and giving it a shot for her; that was a very positive outcome of the procedure. Trying new things together sexually is something that both of us enjoy a lot, and that has positively affected our relationship and my self-confidence.

If you are considering this procedure, do your research. I have friends who are plastic surgeons, and I asked them: ‘What do you think about this procedure?’ They said, ‘We think it’s safe, we think it can help, but it’s relatively new, so we are still learning the long-term side effects. But it appears to be safe, so if you want to give it a try find a good plastic surgeon.’

I was happy with his procedure, and I’m happy with the results, and so is my girlfriend. I’m scheduled to go back in two weeks for another injection.”

VICE – Someone Finally Made A Condom for Your Giant Penis

#bigdickproblems journalism for Vice – read it here

“Nobody feels sympathy for a guy who complains about his big dick, but possessing a monster cock comes with its share of problems. A long (and I mean looooooong) penis can plop into a toilet when you sit down to poop; an extremely thick cock might have trouble fitting in certain holes. Most critically, many well-endowed men struggle to find condoms that fit them.

Like many sexual health issues, this problem is made more complicated by the government. Although American penises come in all shapes and sizes, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) only allows condom companies to offer condoms with a minimum length of 6.29 inches and a maximum width of 2.13 inches, making manufacturing or purchasing latex condoms for oddly-shaped protrusions illegal in the US. In recent years, controversies have erupted surrounding condoms—many sex-positive writers have criticized Measure B, a law implemented in 2012 that requires performers to use condoms in pornography filmed in Los Angeles county—but an FDA representative told me the agency hasn’t updated its condom rules since 1998.”