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Sex Magic: How to Cast Spells with Your Orgasms

This article was originally published for Broadly. Illustration by Vivian Shih.

When people ask Kristen Korvette how she landed her first book deal, she normally responds with a predictable platitude: She achieved her dream through a combination of hard work and luck. In private, however, she attributes her success to masturbating under the full moon.

Korvette, the editrix of Slutist and a professor of the New School’s class “The Legacy of the Witch,” is a practitioner of sex magic, using sexual energy (often orgasm) for manifestation.”It happened to be a full moon on the evening I submitted my proposal, so I engaged in my usual practice”— which consists of “listening to my favorite erotically-charged music (which is always glam metal: Motley Crue mostly), lighting a candle that has been carved to symbolize my goal, and unsheathing my crystal dildo to consummate the spell”—”and exactly one month later, on the full moon, I received word that I was in,” she says.

Given the preponderance of love spells and evil-yet-seductive witches in pop culture, it’s understandable that sex magic is so often misunderstood. But according to those who practice the erotic craft, it’s just another form of magical manifestation. “You have an intention, and you’re using orgasms or sex as a tool to achieve that particular intention,” explains Cat Cabral, a Wiccan priestess who managed the East Village occult shop Enchantments for more than a decade. Bri Luna, owner of The Hood Witch, agrees with this characterization. “We’re not talking about how to be sexy or have an enhanced libido. We’re getting down to manifesting, talking about harnessing sexual energy to make very real results,” she says. “Sexual energy is just energy. It’s neutral.”

Neutral, maybe, but extremely powerful nonetheless. “With sex magick, all you need is to reach orgasm and you can change your world,” writes Damon Brand in Adventures in Sex Magick.

The history of sex magic as a whole is as expansive as it is elusive, and it’s often difficult to obtain records about it. According to Sex and the Supernatural by Benjamin Walker, sex magic and erotic mysticism were practiced earliest in Central Asia. The citizens of one area in particular, known as Urgyan, a “semi-mythical kingdom that fought for the rights of the Tibetan people,” and are said to have used rites involving tantra, the build-up (and avoidance to increase power) of sexual energy and orgasm. “[It] was a place of some notoriety, according to the Hundi Chronicles, where intercourse was regarded as not only pro-creative…but for the acquisition of magical power,” writes Walker.

Sex magic through tantra dates back to the middle of the first millennium. The diversity of tantric practices has made it difficult to pinpoint the precise origin, the first record of tantra is likely the Śaiva Mantramārga tradition during the fifth century. While today tantra has often taken on associations with new age sex workshops and Sting, it’s also about harnessing power, and even achieving enlightenment, according to Essence of Vajrayana: The Highest Yoga Tantra Practice of Heruka Body Mandala By Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. Unfortunately, many early tantric texts were destroyed by crusaders. The Gnostics, a collection of ancient religions and sects, found in a range of regions from the Middle East to China, also performed sex magic rituals, such as blood rituals and mantras to invoke sexual energy.

The most notorious sex magic practitioner in recent history is Aleister Crowley, a famous 19th century British occultist who viewed sex as “the supreme magical power.” A high-ranking member of the secret society Ordo Templi Orientis, which uses sex rituals heavily in its initiation ceremonies, he went onto write several books on the use of erotic magic. His views were extreme, as was his desire to experiment with new forms of sex magic. In Sex and the Supernatural, Walker writes: “In seeking to enlarge his tantrik-oriented experiences, Crowley advertised for females of all kinds, deformed women, dwarfs, hunchbacks, and as he put it in his characteristically unfeeling way, ‘freaks of all sorts.'”

Contemporary witches dismiss much of his work. “It veered on the more racist and sexist and just really weird,” says Luna. “I feel that a lot of his work, for what it was, was very self-serving and low vibrational, very demonic in a sense where you’re working with things that if you have no idea what the hell you’re doing, you could fuck yourself up. I’ve never felt compelled to go any further with studying him.”

Modern sex magic users have a myriad of historical, cultural practices to draw inspiration from, and many of them emphasize the importance of finding what works best for you. In ways, sex magic is similar to any other form of energy work, which harnesses energy, with the practitioner often tapping into their own spiritual energy to heal. the only difference is that the energy being harnessed in this case is the release of orgasm. “The first step is to have a clear goal and an intention of what you want,” says Luna. “I find for me that sex magic works best when your intention has to do with sex, love, confidence, power, strength.”

“Not, I need a new car, I’m gonna masturbate—that’s just so silly,” says Cabral.”

Other techniques involve repeating mantras during orgasm, focusing on sigils (a magical symbol) to help focus your energy, and invoking certain deities. Hathor, Isis, and Aphrodite are common goddess to invoke, but you can use whatever deity appeals most to you since sex magic is so personalized and intuitional. “I think everybody needs to find deities or mythology or archetypes that relate to them. So for some people that’s staying within their own heritage or culture,” says Cabral. “Personally, I love working with Venus or Aphrodite.” Intuition, she adds, is “the most important thing.”

Indeed, most witches will say that sex magic is one of the most intuitive practices. “I came to sex magic pretty intuitively,” recalls Korvett. “As a young girl, my mother taught me the power of manifestation, but in a G-rated way, of course. Somehow I made the connection between that and all the self-pleasure I was engaging in, and realized it could be used in a more powerful and productive way.”

Another, perhaps less intuitive, component of sex magic involves the use of bodily fluids. An early example of this is Abbe Guibourg, a French Roman Catholic occultistknown as a “renegade priest,” who in 1683 performed a Black Mass, a corruption of the traditional Catholic ceremony. Such ceremonies involve the nun figure urinatinginto a chalice, often as a demonstration of opposition to strict Catholic beliefs. Period blood is another useful liquid in sex magic, and according to Luna, there is a long folkloric history of women putting period blood into coffee or tea or red pasta sauce (because it is easy to hide!) often for binding spells, to cause sexual attraction, as in the Hoodoo tradition. Some practitioners also do spells with a concoction of semen mixed with period blood, which is considered very powerful. The mixture typically obtained and placed in a chalice, or swapped through kissing after oral sex, in a ritual believed to “seal” the magic performed, or create whatever manifestation the practitioner desires (again, sex magic goals don’t have to be about sex), according to Brand.

“Blood is life, especially menstrual blood; it nourishes life, you grow humans,” says Luna, adding that you can use bodily fluids to dress candles and talismans, meaning coating a candle, often carved with a sigil, with a substance whose properties are believed to help one achieve their goal.. (If you are going to work with bodily fluids, please be aware of the health risks. Feeding and eating bodily fluids carries the same danger as oral sex, so get tested, discuss it with partners beforehand, and become educated on dangers. “You’re playing with someone’s will and health. You can transmit diseases and all kinds of icky things,” cautions Luna.)

In general, when practicing with a partner, communication is very important. Luna says that you should either work together completely or keep your partner entirely in the dark about the fact that you’re manifesting magic during intercourse. “Either they know what it is that you’re doing, or they shouldn’t know at all. Because any person who kind of knows and isn’t really into it they can fuck up the whole flow of energy,” she explains. “So either keep them ignorant altogether, or they know and they are going to focus on that energy as well, so it makes it that much more powerful if you are going to come together.”

Even those uninterested or skeptical of practices such as magic can attest to the intimacy and intensity of coming at the same time. “With a partner, it becomes really cool and exciting when you can trust someone, and the both of you can work together. You know, staring at each other in the eyes, maybe slowing down an orgasm, breathing together,” says Cabral.

For many practitioners, though, the fact that sex magic can be practiced alone is one of its main draws. “Although I’ve experimented with partnered sex magic, I find the solo spells have worked better for me thus far,” says Korvette. In a world that’s traditionally punished women for freely enjoying both sex and magic, combining the two can feel revolutionary—and taking matters into one’s own hands only heightens that sense.

“Witchcraft in and of itself if very empowering for women… you know that all of your power is just innately within yourself,” says Luna. “One of the most powerful aspects any women can have is owning her sexuality, and not being afraid of that power, and not being afraid to use that power.”

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How to Date a Rape Survivor – Latest Article for VICE Broadly

Originally published in Broadly.

We’ve all got baggage. Adding an extra layer to the muddled waters of dating is the highly common and formidable post traumatic stress disorder that can arise from a sexual assault. For me, help came through medical cannabis and a partner down to go down on me while I watch Planet Earth and sip valerian root tea while listening to the calming voice of David Attenborough. RAINN estimates an average of 293,066 Americans (age 12 or older) are victims of sexual violence each year, so it could happen to you or your partner as well.

“Chances are very good that they will date a sexual assault survivor because the rates are so high,” says psychologist Dr. Barbara Greenberg. “When you are dating or having sex with somebody, you’re interacting with them on the same level which they were violated. So that makes it so tricky.” While all relationships, individuals, and healing processes are different, there are certain general things one can do when dating a survivor of sexual assault.

First and foremost, believe them. “When people tell you their stories, believe them,” says Dr. Greenberg. “The likelihood of someone making that up is probably very, very low. Listen and believe them, and don’t feel like you have to fix things for them, or that you can fix things for then…Let them speak.” In other words, shut the fuck up a bit and let them tell their story – in their own time. “If you love someone, or even if you don’t love them and you’re just trying to have a positive sexual experience with them, you need to let them really sort through it at a pace and level of detail that’s comfortable for them,” says Emily Lindin of The Unslut Project and UnSlut: A Documentary Film which explores sexual shaming, including interviews with the family and friends of Rehtaeh Parsons. Parsons was a 17-year-old Canadian student who reportedly hung herself after sexual bullying resulting from photos that surfaced of her alleged gang rape.

When it is appropriate to chime in, it’s important to ask the right questions. “The right questions are not: ‘What happened? Where did you get touched? Where were your parents? Were you drunk?’ Not any accusatory or judgmental questions. Don’t ask about details, ask about triggers,” says Dr. Greenberg. It’s important to go over triggers to prevent a survivor from having to relive an experience. A trigger is something that can remind you of the assault and cause flashbacks. It could be anything from seeing someone on the subway with a similar tattoo to your assaulter, or hearing a word or phrase they used during the attack, or being touched in an unintentionally similar way. It’s shitty for everyone when during sex you’re trying your hardest not to spiral into full panic attack because your boyfriend accidentally did something that surfaced flashbacks from your assault, and it’s also really frustrating to have to listen to them whine about how usually they are so great at getting chicks off with the exact move that’s causing your flashback.

When dating a sexual assault survivor, sometimes you just have to be patient and learn not to take things personally. “This is a tough one, but you really have to work on not taking it personally. Because it’s due to the trauma and not you,” says Dr. Greenberg. “You have to be patient. You’re going to learn how to be gentle, to avoid the triggers, and how to make it a safe and lovely experience. And be forgiving… as they trust you more, things will become easier.”

For some women (and yes – men can be sexual assault survivors too) you’re dealing with persistent old scars that just don’t want to fade. For others, like Kara*, who survived a rape in the past month, her and her boyfriend Jon* are having to navigate triggers bubbling up from a very fresh wound. “What’s so disheartening is that she’s blaming herself, and that she’s responsible for it, or maybe she didn’t do enough stuff,” Jon told me. “I have to encourage her that it’s not true.” The root keeping Kara and Jon strong is that, when they discuss her rape, he remains respectful and reminds her of the number one rule – it wasn’t your fault. Period. “He’s been really helpful, because I’ll sit here and get upset and blame myself and he actually reasons with me,” says Kara.

“When we brought [Kara] to the emergency room, she was covered in bruises, like big hand print bruises,” said Jon. “She [said] ‘I don’t know maybe I didn’t do enough… I bruise easily,’ and I was like, ‘We wrestle, all the time. In bed.’ I’ll put my butt on her face to fart on her. And I was like, ‘You try really hard not to let me fart on you, don’t you?’ And she goes, ‘Yeah, I try my best.’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah every time we wrestle you’re trying really hard, but you’re not left with any bruises on you. So when you were in this struggle obviously you were fighting very hard not to leave these bruises.”

As Boyfriend of the Year as Jon seems, he understands that to get through this, Kara will need to see a professional trained in treating assault victims. “He’s been trying to get me to talk to a counselor, which, I will…” says Kara. In order to encourage her, Jon said, he “bribed her with a kitty.” “He did, he’s like you can get a kitten…but you can’t talk to it like your counselor, you have to actually go. It’s a really tiny kitty I think it will help just to take care of something. Putting the love and energy into it,” said Kara.

“You’re going to need to go to therapy and see a crisis counselor – as soon as possible. Because the sooner you see a crisis counselor the less likely you are to get post traumatic stress disorder. They found that with trauma victims are helped immediately they’re much more likely to have a positive outcome,” explains Dr. Greenberg. The healing from a sexual assault is a lifelong process. Even with patience, respect, and time, surviving a rape is something you have to carry with yourself for the rest of your life. Yet, you’re still you. You still want to drink herbal tea while your boyfriend eats you out, or you’re still are going to have to smell your boyfriend’s smelly farts. Life stops for nothing.

“Acknowledge that it is a really important part of their history, [and let] them know that you’re ready to listen when you’re ready to talk, and that you respect them,” says Lindin. “I think it’s important to remember that sexual assault survivors don’t stop being adult humans because they went through this.”

The Post-SSRI Orgasmic High

New for Broadly.

I have been on and off various forms of antidepressants since college. A class of antidepressants (Zoloft, Lexapro, and Prozac) called SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) is often the first line of pharmaceutical treatment for depression and a safer and less addictive solution than benzodiazepines (Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin) for anxiety and panic disorders. The problem is, as if trying to date while depressed or anxious isn’t shitty enough, taking SSRIs, which work by blocking serotonin receptors in the brain so that levels of the chemical in the brain stay higher, can basically cause chemical castration.

“The current thinking is that serotonin and dopamine are something like the brakes and the gas when it comes to sex,” explains Dr. Julie Holland, a psychiatrist and the author of Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking. “Too much serotonin seems to make it hard to flip the switch over to orgasm. When women are in a lower serotonergic state, as when they are closer to their periods (PMS) or if they’ve taken MDMA the day before and are temporarily depleted, it’s easier to climax. When women take SSRIs, it’s not only harder to climax, but for many women, it’s harder to feel sexual pleasure or get horny. I have patients tell me they’re less interested in sex, their pelvis feels numb, or it’s nearly impossible to climax.” 

You get off the meds, and then you quite literally get off.

knew that during high school I would masturbate an average of three times a day, and while I had to use my hand to rub my clit sometimes, I also knew I had gotten off during oral, vaginal, and anal sex without using a vibrator. (There’s no shame in using a vibrator during sex; I think more women should. But what if you’re up against the fence at Williamsburg Waterfront and just don’t have it on you?) Yet when I was on Lexapro, a commonly prescribed SSRI, I did not know that girl. Sex became something I did because I knew I was supposed to, rather than because I felt my clit would explode if I didn’t have that hot man in me right this second. “I guess when you’re super depressed your sex life seems not that big of a deal, but when you’re a functioning human being and part of society again you’re like, ‘No, this is actually a pretty key thing that I’m missing out on,'” says Claire, a 29-year-old living in Brooklyn who has also experienced the SSRI chastity belt via Prozac. “I would have sex with the men I was dating because I thought, This is what you should do in a relationship, but it wasn’t really fulfilling. You kind of forget what sex is like. Then you go back [get off the meds] you’re like, ‘I remember!'” 

You get off the meds, and then you quite literally get off, which is exactly what happened to me when I finally weaned myself off Lexapro over the course of a month. Unfortunately, my sex drive came back just around the time my relationship was ending. My ex had often complained that he didn’t always feel we were on the same page sexually and he hated that he couldn’t get me off, so it was a shame he left just as my orgasms were coming back full force. 

“It would have been different. It definitely would have been different,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist from the Kinsey Institute, when I ask about whether going off Lexapro earlier might have changed our sexual chemistry. “Orgasm is really important for a relationship. It makes you like the person! It makes you trust the person; it makes you want to be with the person; it makes you feel warmth towards the person; it evolved for very obvious reasons, which is to make you want to do it again to be close to somebody and hold somebody. When you’re hugging somebody and holding somebody, oxytocin is going up in the brain. Oxytocin is associated with feelings of attachment and calm, and right before orgasms there is a spike of norepinephrine and dopamine that is going to give you feelings of optimism, and energy, and focus, and motivation, and then of course after orgasm there’s a real flood of oxytocin again and that gives you a feeling of deep attachment to a partner. So there’s a reason that men want women to have an orgasm,” explains Dr. Fisher. 

Ross, a 32-year-old New Yorker whose girlfriend took 20mg of Lexapro, agrees. “You can understand it’s science, but it [was] still hard not to take it personally when I couldn’t get her off,” he says. 

Before I regale you with the joy that is the second puberty experienced when flushing all those nasty orgasm police pills out of your system, it’s crucial to note that they do save lives; quitting cold turkey without discussing with your doctor is a no-no. “Some people really need these drugs,” says Dr. Fisher. “They need them to get out of bed in the morning, to make the effort to go find a sweetheart.” 

However, this is not always the case. “Data shows that 70 percent of people who are on these drugs don’t really need them,” Fisher says. “They [get] back on their feet, and they [keep taking them] because they have the feeling of calm and stability, so they stay on them long-term. [But] when you stay on them, you can jeopardize yourability to fall in love and stay in love.”

Yes–there’s more than sex at stake here. SSRIs could be screwing up what humans are already very bad at: finding and maintaining a loving relationship. “If you aren’t interested in having sex, or you’re having less pleasure when you do have sex, it’s going to affect your relationships, obviously. There is even some suggestion that it affects whether women make themselves available for sex when they’re dating, or whether it can affect that angsty/horny feeling when you fall in love with someone,” says Dr. Holland. “Human female subjects on antidepressants spend less time poring over faces of potential male dating partners than the women who are unmedicated.”

SSRIs could be screwing up what humans are already very bad at: finding and maintaining a loving relationship.

Over the course of the month that I quit Lexapro, it felt like a sexual re-awakening. “My patients who have weaned off their SSRIs are happy to report they can climax more easily,” says Dr. Holland. “It’s nice to be able to enjoy sex again, and to connect with your partner on that physical, and often spiritual, level.” Skylar, a 28-year-old from Richmond, knows what the doc is talking about. After giving Zoloft a shot for anxiety attacks, she stopped using it because she decided she’d rather be anxious and having orgasms. “Within a matter of a few weeks I was back to normal in the sex department,” says Skylar. 

Claire, the 29-year-old Brooklynite who was on Prozac, concurs. “I noticed [my sex drive return] more when I was just masturbating by myself, because I [was single] at the time. [I would be] watching porn and using my vibrator and being like, ‘This is amazing!”’ 

While most women return to orgasm-land with a vengeance after being on SSRIs, however, some never come the same again. Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD) is a nightmare in reality, in which patients’ sex drives and functioning can take years to return to normal after being on SSRIs. Some patients never feel the same again.

“It’s frustrating that they haven’t found a pharmaceutical cocktail that can be so beneficial for anxiety without those side effects,” Skylar tells me. The good news is there is one antidepressant that can actually promote sexual desire and function: Wellbutrin. “Well, the makers of Wellbutrin don’t really cop to the mechanism of action of their antidepressant, only describing it as ‘non-serotonergic,'” says Dr. Holland, “but it seems as though [it has] an action that increases dopamine levels.

“For many of my patients, they are much happier with the effect of Wellbutrin on their sex lives, over the SSRIs,” Dr. Holland continues. “Wellbutrin can also help to cut appetite and improve focus and concentration. Where it’s weak is in treating anxiety, and especially treating obsessive symptoms. The SSRIs are much better for that.” Not to long after I stopped taking Lexapro, I tried Wellbutrin and had three orgasms during sex on my yoga mat–two clitoral, and one cervical, which until then I didn’t actually believed existed. (Thank you, makers of Wellbutrin.) I stopped Wellbutrin because, as Dr. Holland says, it sucks for anxiety, which is my main enemy at the moment.

After a fuck ton of therapy, quitting drinking, and developing a mindfulness practice (seriously), I’ve earned the bragging rights to say that now, sans SSRI or Wellbutrin, I’m just a little bit nuts. The renewed ability to orgasm is probably helping to keep me so fucking cheery, too. “Orgasms do create a bit of a ruckus with neurotransmitters and hormones,” Dr. Holland says. “In particular oxytocin and endorphins, though the endocannabinoid system may also be involved. They do help to relieve stress, obviously, which is likely therapeutic. And yes, there is a study showing that sperm, when deposited in the vagina, can have antidepressant effects. 

“Much of the brain even shuts down when you’re having an orgasm,” she continues. “It’s a very deep experience.”

My Shrink Broke Up With Me

Going back to the dark days in my latest for Broadly.

According to therapist-cum-speaker Dr. Julie Gurner, “A responsible psychologist will always make a referral if the client continues to need treatment elsewhere, but it is ultimately the client’s responsibility to follow through with that referral. An exception to the client taking responsibility for follow through might be if they are feeling unsafe (suicidal) or are compromised in some other way.”

Two years ago, on a hot New York Summer’s day, still drunk from the night before, I walked into my shrink’s office and told him I needed to quit drinking and wanted to kill myself. I’m not sure if it was as cohesively articulated as that, but rather a rambling about how high a sixth floor walk-up apartment is, various uses of a cleaver, and that Lenny Kravitz had jumped out of the audience to play drums at the show I attended the prior evening. Regardless of my exact words, my psychiatrist’s response was clear: “I am no longer qualified to treat you, and I must terminate this relationship.” My ex-shrink told me he would be in touch with names of doctors who would be a better fit, and I wandered into Washington Square Park, shielding the sun from my eyes.

The Summer of 2013 was brutal for me: a sexual assault, followed by an alcoholic bottom, a breakup, and my parent’s divorce–I was a suicidal nutcase. As it was August, my ex-shrink was going on vacation, so by the time he got around to calling me with those recommendations he promised, I was already in treatment with someone else, primarily because I was taking antidepressants and benzodiazepines, which were going to run out. Benzodiazepine withdrawal can involve seizures, so it’s something you don’t want to fuck with. “If the patient is taking medication, sometimes they will simply continue the medication under the supervision of the same psychiatrist, but their visits will be less frequent. This would all be an ongoing discussion with the patient,” says Amanda Itzkoff, MD.

I’m too crazy for a boyfriend right now, but am I too crazy for a psychiatrist?

Being broken up with by your shrink can be a brutal blow to the ego–it has you thinking “I’m too crazy for a boyfriend right now, but am I too crazy for a psychiatrist?” Flipping through old diaries from that period feels like stepping into a horrific rape scene that I’ve seen in a movie–there’s a fearful recognition, but I can’t believe I ever actually lived it. Back then; even I didn’t want to be around myself, so I don’t blame the guy for ending the client/patient relationship. But I was curious: why do shrinks break up with patients? Are they even allowed to do that? 

“There are guiding principles you should follow, rather than an official set of protocol,” explains Dr. Gurner. “In graduate school, the act of separating with a client is referred to as “termination.” A fair amount of attention is paid to how you separate from a client…because how we say goodbye and end our relationships is so important.

Often, a psychologist or psychiatrist will terminate a relationship because the patient is exhibiting symptoms they don’t feel qualified to treat, as doctors typically have specialties. A common occurrence of this lies among patients diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, as 10 percent of individuals with BPD successfully complete a suicide attempt. “Some disorders are certainly more difficult to treat, but I have not known of someone ending a patient relationship because of liability. The only reason I would see someone ending a patient relationship based on a diagnosis, is if they did not feel they could provide the specialty treatment required,” says Dr. Gurner. “Almost everyone I know has unfortunately had a client end their life, but none of them have ever faced legal action or fear that element of their practice.”

If the client is not committed to treatment, I would terminate our time together.

It may not happen often, but shrinks can be sued, which is maybe why my very handsome doctor felt I was out of his control. “Yes, therapists can get sued,” says Dr. Barbara Greenberg. “If the survivors feel that it was inadequate care. That’s why with all of your patients you have to access carefully for suicidality, or any predictors of violence, and you are responsible, and yes, you can be held liable,” said Dr. Greenberg. One of Dr. Greenberg’s specialties is treating BPD, so fear not Borderlines, there is indeed someone for everyone. “In my practice I get a lot of borderline personality disorders-I like people who are very energized who really need help; I find that stimulating. Substance abuse on the other hand, I might refer that person to see somebody else who had substance abuse as a specialty.” 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it has to really want to change it. An acquaintance of mine from high school was in treatment for alcohol abuse, and her doctor ended the relationship upon continuously catching her in lies about her drinking habits. “If the client is not committed to treatment, I would terminate our time together. People come to therapy for various reasons, but I would never accept a patient or keep someone as a client who was there at the wish of someone else,” says Dr. Gurner. 

If you’re suffering with substance abuse, please get some help. Find an AA meeting, or if you’re like me and don’t jive with the 12-steps, understand that there are other options. There’s the Buddhist recovery group Refuge Recovery, the science-based SMART Recoveryharm reductionayahuasca healingSatanism, honestly whatever helps you get your life together, I’m in support of.

Because we all really are different beautiful little fluffy fucking snowflakes, aren’t we? As with recovery, when seeing a shrink, it has to be the right fit, or it’s not going to work out. “There has to be chemistry. I call it the “relational bond.” If that bond doesn’t exist, you really can’t do good therapy,” says Dr. Greenberg. A cool thing for me about quitting drinking, is when I was drunk, I checked off all the boxes for probably dozens of diagnoses. When I stopped, it turned out I wasn’t insane; I’m just someone who absolutely does not mix well with alcohol. One spanking new fantastic shrink and two years later and I’m no longer drinking, and no longer suicidal. Maybe, if it continues to go well, the eventual breakup will be amicable. “The goal of any good therapy is separation, and that you’ve taught them how to manage their symptoms well enough that they don’t need you anymore. You hope for them every good thing,” says Dr. Gurner.

Is My Sex Life Emotionally Scarring My Cats?

I wrote this for Broadly. Image by Kat Aileen.

Dating is terrifying and breakups are agonizing, but thankfully humans have friends and the pharmaceutical industry (actually, cats have that too) to help us get through it all. I live with two marmalade tabby cats, Major Tom Cat (Tommy) and Mama Cat. You’ve got to be a very attractive person to lure me out on a Friday night when I could be home with them and a plate of nachos. Recently I went through a rather traumatic breakup and am back in the saddle (OkCupid). I know I eventually will be fine, but what about my cats? Are they doomed to a life of personality disorders and abandonment issues? To learn more, I spoke to Elise Gouge, MPH, owner of Pet Behavior Consulting, LLC and certified animal behavior consultant and trainer. I refrained from asking her about why Mama Cat sometimes tries to curl up on my legs when I’m using my vibrator, as I assume it’s simply because she wants a massage too.

Broadly: I co-adopted Tommy with an ex-boyfriend, who was a major part of his life until recently–how can divorce/break ups/the absence of one partner affect cats’ behavior?
Elise Gouge: Cats form strong attachments with their caretakers, and the loss of one or both can have a profound impact on behavior. It’s not uncommon to see grief behavior and distress such as vocalizing, searching behavior, restlessness, loss of appetite, changes in litter-box or grooming habits, and general malaise.

In the past month my cats have taken to licking and swatting me awake at night– is there usually any cause for this behavior other than wanting food?
Changes in behavior may be due to wanting more attention or needing more enrichment. If the cats were used to a certain level of activity, and that has now decreased due to one person leaving the home, they could be frustrated or stressed. The licking and swatting could be attention-seeking behavior or stress-related to the changes in the environment.

Can cats pick up on your emotions–in this case being very sad and hurts with lots of crying because you were dumped?
Absolutely.

If you are single and bring different men home, can the influx of strangers affect a cat’s mental health?
It depends on the cat. If a cat is by nature a social and friendly feline, then meeting multiple people will be exciting and fun. If you have a cat with a more reserved or shy temperament, having multiple strangers enter the home will be increasingly stressful.

It seems new partners can almost make a cat jealous! Is this a thing?
The concept of pets feeling jealousy is widely debated by animal behaviorists and consultants. Some feel that pets absolutely feel jealousy, and others believe that jealousy is a term that carries a lot of negative stigma that should be separate from how we define our cat’s behaviors. It is true that if your cat is used to spending 100 percent of his time with you and suddenly another person is occupying your time and the cat now only has access to you 50 percent of the time, he will most likely show some stress behaviors.

For cats, vying for your attention through vocalizing, knocking things over, scratching, etc. can be common. From the cat’s perspective, he is simply doing things that result in the desired goal of getting more attention from you. If a cat (or any creature) does a behavior and it creates a desired result, the cat is going to do it more often. This is called positive reinforcement.

When cats watch people having sex–do they know what’s going on?
Cats would be sensitive to the smells, the changes in energy, the sounds and motion. Sexual contact, heightened levels of emotional or physical arousal, are all things that can impact a cat’s behavior.

My older cat Mama has now had two different “fathers” (ex-boyfriends of mine) do such changes–along with moving apartments–have a detrimental effect?It depends on the cat’s temperament. In general, cats are not fans of change. They prefer things to stay the same. Some are better than others in adapting and changing as the environment requires.

My cat has seemed to like some men more than others! Should I consider this information when deciding to get serious with someone?
If you are a dedicated cat owner and plan to have cats in your life for many years to come, then I would advise making sure you pick partners that share your love of cats. Your cat will be happiest with a person who is genuinely fond of, delighted by, and interested in him or her.


It depends on the cat’s temperament. In general, cats are not fans of change. They prefer things to stay the same. Some are better than others in adapting and changing as the environment requires.

My cat has seemed to like some men more than others! Should I consider this information when deciding to get serious with someone?
If you are a dedicated cat owner and plan to have cats in your life for many years to come, then I would advise making sure you pick partners that share your love of cats. Your cat will be happiest with a person who is genuinely fond of, delighted by, and interested in him or her.

Designer Kaya Tinsman Rips Apart Raccoon Carcasses to Make Etsy Earrings

One of my first posts for VICE‘s newly launched feminist channel Broadly.

“Although the process is fascinating, I wonder how buyers would feel about seeing the death and decay that comes with their jewelry. “I think that it’s very important,” says Tinsman. “I mean especially if you think about people eating meat a lot of the time–what you’re eating doesn’t represent what it started out as. All of the gore is removed; you see the cow and then you see the burger, but you don’t realize that what you’re eating is actually a butchered animal. I think that it’s important…I think that it adds to the respect that you have for the creature.”

Read the post, and view the photo essay, shot by photographer Cody Orrell, here via Broadly.