cannabis

I Used Weed Lube to Turn My Vagina into an Edible

I wrote this for Merry Jane. Image courtesy of Flickr. 

Pussy is magic. It has the power to give both its owner and those given the privilege of experiencing it extreme pleasure. Weed is also magic and shares with pussy the ability to give those close enough to inhale it pleasure. Having learned that drinking an entire bottle of Foria (450 mg of THC) will get you high for three days, I wondered: Can I turn my vagina into an edible?

The answer is yes. “If someone sprays [Foria] on their vulva and their partner goes down on them, their vulva has now become an edible at 2.5 mg per spray and will absolutely get the oral giver high,” says sex and cannabis educator Ashley Manta, the creator of CannaSexual. People getting high off their genitals is nothing new. Think about the decades of cocaine users who had a partner blow blow up their buttholes (otherwise known as “boofing” or for the revisionist rock historians out there, “pulling a Stevie Nicks”). Everyone is entitled to their own definition of magic. Personally, I find that laying down and getting my pussy eaten as my partner gets stoned makes me feel like a goddess while boofing is something I’m happy to forget about, like the time in my life where I was determined to fuck the dudes in MGMT. Not to mention that cannabis is an immensely safer substance than cocaine, despite the Federal Government’s insistence on labeling cannabis a Schedule I drug and cocaine a Schedule II.

Foria confirms on their website that if you squirt their pleasure spray on your vagina and then have your partner go down on you, they can get stoned. When just rubbed into the vulva, there’s rarely a psychoactive effect. Someone has to eat it. Foria doesn’t just say you can get stoned by going down on a cannabis-laced pussy, they’re active advocates of the practice. “We absolutely encourage couples to play with Foria for oral as a way to for the giver to get high,” says Mathew Gerson, the creator and co-CEO of Foria.

Brittany J. Confer, Foria’s Director of Marketing and PR, adds that when men overly concerned with their own pleasure (a penis can’t get stoned, guys need to put it up their butt for absorption) often ask her what’s in it for them. When faced with such a selfish question, she tells them, “It’s like turning her vagina into an edible. If you go down on her, you’ll be giving yourself a nice little high depending on how much product the two of you use and how long she waits to allow the Foria Pleasure to absorb.”

Everyone was telling me that I could turn my vagina into an edible, but I had to test it out to be certain. Thankfully I’m seeing a guy I’ll call Lupo, who enjoys eating both pussy and weed, and is delightfully concerned with my pleasure. After catching up on Game of Thrones together, he spritzed around three to four sprays––about 10mg worth of weed––around my clit and labia. We made out for about 15 minutes to let the pleasure spray do its thing in my mucous membranes, the time advised to let Foria kick in for sexual enhancement purposes, and then he went down on me. I’ll pull a curtain across the screen and ask anyone under 18 to look away for what happened over the next hour or so. When we concluded our adult activities, I eagerly asked him: “Are you stoned from my pussy?”

“I can’t really tell,” he answered, and then fell asleep.

Even though Lupo did a wonderful job helping with my experiment I was sad. I wanted my vagina to not only give the best orgasms but the best buzz. I asked Manta what could have gone wrong. “It seems likely that your vag absorbed a good bit of it,” Manta says. That’s what I get for being selfish and wanting to get my vagina stoned rather than asking him to lick it off immediately after application. “But also it would take up to two hours to kick in (like an edible), so it may have been that he didn’t feel the effects until later and his tolerance was high enough that it was barely perceptible. That’s my hunch, at least,” she tells me. Aha! So Lupo likely didn’t feel much either because he had a high tolerance, because my pussy had consumed all the THC, or because he fell asleep after about an hour of ingestion, so there wasn’t enough time to see the full effects (or all of the above).

I could have retried the experiment again with Lupo again with adjustments, but unfortunately, my job consists of more than spraying weed on my pussy and then having beautiful men go down on me. I also enjoying eating vaginas myself and pondered how I could go from scientist to test subject by licking Foria off of another vagina. There is a woman I have been intimate with, but she isn’t a cannabis consumer, and while there’s rarely a psychoactive effect from topical use on the vulva alone, some people do experience one. Plus I felt like a creep asking her. So I did the natural next step: I spritzed some on my own vagina, pulled out my yoga mat, and tried to see if I could eat my own pussy. Nope. I knew I needed to be stretching more. So I did the following logical thing: I squirted one 2.5 mg spray of Foria onto each of my nipples.

Now those, I am flexible enough to lick. Immediately after the spray made contact, I licked off approximately 5 mg of cannabis, my preferred edible dosage and the recommended starting size by campaigns aimed to make edibles a safer experience––aka, one that doesn’t last for three whole days.

It worked. After about two hours, I indeed got stoned from licking my nipples. I felt heavenly from combined the power of cannabis and erogenous zones.

If I were a scientist writing an academic paper on my experience, here’s what I would say: My thesis upon conducting this experiment was that I could turn my vagina into an edible by applying Foria pleasure spray. Both a sex and cannabis educator and the makers of Foria supported this thesis. Due to variables such as Lupo’s tolerance and the male’s tendency to fall asleep post-orgasm, my initial experiment did not produce my desired outcome. However, my second solo experiment (masturbation is the key to a happy life) confirmed you can turn your body can into an edible with the application of a cannabis topical such as Foria. My conclusion is that you can not only turn vaginas into edibles, but nipples, butt holes, toes, or whatever gets you off. Go forth and (safely and legally) try it for yourself.

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Fertilizing Marijuana Plants, and Other Weird Ways to Decay After You Die

Read my latest for VICE.

When I die I want my body used as fertilizer for cannabis so my friends can smoke me. Please plant me in a calming Indica plant so I may reduce the anxiety I caused while I was alive: Sophie Saint Kush. Plus, it’d be good for the environment. Green funeralsare on the rise as an environmentally-conscious generation starts thinking about our wills. And with good reason: Traditional burial methods can take a serious toll on Mother Earth.

“Modern burial—by which I mean the burial of an embalmed body in a metal casket, which is then set into a concrete burial vault, essentially the standard funeral home send off—consumes vast amounts of resources and leaves a trail of environmental damage in its wake,” Mark Harris, former environmental columnist for the Los Angeles Times, author of the book on green burial Grave Matters, and co-founder of Green Meadow Natural Burial Ground, told VICE. “A typical 10-acre cemetery contains enough coffin wood to build more than 40 homes and enough toxic embalming fluid to fill a small backyard swimming pool. Additionally, every year we divert enough concrete to burial vaults to create a two-lane highway running halfway across the country, and enough metal for caskets to annually rebuild the Golden Gate Bridge. Given those statistics, I’ve come to see cemeteries less as bucolic resting grounds for the dead than as landfills of largely non-biodegradable and hazardous materials.”

“Green burials are a healthy start to nipping our pollution issues in the bud. Also, you save money on not purchasing a casket or a casket,” said Amber Carvaly, a mortician and family advocate who has spent the last year helping build Undertaking LA, an alternative funeral service in Los Angeles.

Not to mention, embalming is disgusting. “During the conventional embalming process that happens in the United States every day, spiked caps are placed in the eyes to keep them closed, mouths are wired shut, blood and abdominal cavities are vacuumed out and all (I mean ALL) holes get plugged up with cotton to prevent “leakage,” Theresa Purcell, natural burial advocate and former president of the Trust for Natural Legacies, told VICE. “People spend so much money on these air tight Tupperware-like caskets trying so hard to keep nature out, but in that type of environment you are trapping the body with anaerobic bacteria and as the body naturally decomposes, gasses are released. The body then bloats and putrefies, sometimes causing the coffin to explode!”

Yikes. In search of a better way of decaying, VICE sought out some more peaceful, planet-friendly alternatives to exploding in a toxin-filled casket. (Some of our ideas were better than others.)

Use your body as plant fertilizer

“I think this is a great idea,” said Carvaly. “If you cremate your body all that is left is dry calcium phosphates, salts of sodium and potassium. It’s not really much in the way of nutrients. Once you are cremated you burn off most of what would be beneficial. However, you can choose a green burial and your body will absolutely benefit the surrounding plants and animals.” Some environmentally-friendly companies are already capitalizing on this idea. “I would definitely use a “tree urn” a new way that your body can literally help grow a forest,” said Albe Zakes, Global VP of Communications for recycling company TerraCycle and co-author of Make Garbage Great: The Terracycle Family Guide to a Zero-Waste Lifestyle. “It’s much greener than being pumped full of formaldehyde and stuffed into a wood box treated with even more chemicals,” he told VICE. “Plus who knows if reincarnation actually exists, but you know for sure you will live on as a tree, providing shade, purifying the air and water, and maybe even making a home for a nice bird family!” Of my weed idea, Theresa reminds me: “How dank your death gets depends on if you can legally grow weed in your area.”

Get cremated and mixed into tattoo ink

What if your “I heart Mom” tattoo could actually contain your dead mom? “It’s been requested before. It’s a symbolic gesture,” tattoo artist JK5 told VICE. Some tattoo-lovers hope to have their cremated ashes mixed with tattoo ink so their loved ones can be tattooed with their body. “I’ve heard of this and it sounds awesome! I don’t personally know if this increases the risk of infection or anything like that, but if you can find an artist that can do it safely I say go for it,” says Purcell. Unfortunately, cremation may not actually be so green after all. “Cremation is a valuable option and absolutely better for the environment than modern burial practices, but the process of cremation requires a significant amount of non-renewable energy and emits toxins, like mercury, into our atmosphere. Still, it’s a good choice for you and yours. Just not as great for the environment as sometimes portrayed.”

Freeze-dry yourself like astronaut food

A choice better than cremation is promession. I learned about this method from my friend Grant, who once took me on a date in a cemetery. Promession is freeze drying—you more or less turn your body into astronaut food. “Promession rules,” agreed Purcell. “I first found out about this idea by reading STIFF by Mary Roach. Promession is the process of freeze-drying a body with liquid nitrogen and exposing it to ultrasonic vibrations until it disintegrates into particles and you are left with a dry powder about 30% of the original weight. Basically a form of compost that’s way more environmentally friendly than conventional burial.” Unfortunately, promession is not yet legal in the United States.

Use yourself as kitty litter

My friend Brooke wants to be cremated and used as kitty litter. “To achieve this you would need to fill out a Disposition of Cremated Remains form with your funeral home/crematory that says you plan on taking the cremated remains home and then doing NOTHING with them,” advises Carvaly. “Then you can do whatever you want with them after that. Wink wink. Legally you cannot put the remains in the litter, but… I doubt you’ll ever get caught.”

Get turned into a nice piece of jewelry

If human bones are already being made into art, why not make a cameo in the afterlife as bone jewelry? “My dream would be that when my time was drawing to a close I could go out into the woods, curl up under the trees, and let nature take it from there,” says bone jeweler Kaya Tinsman. “If I could find an artist or jeweler familiar with cleaning bones whose work I felt a connection to, I would love to have my bones used as art as a memento mori for loved ones left behind. Unfortunately, all of this is highly illegal right now.” The idea of “mourning jewelry” is one that goes back centuries. “For hundreds of years now the hair of deceased loved ones have been woven, twirled, and set behind a clear stone, such as quartz. I’ve thought about using my final living years making jewelry incorporating my own hair for the people I love,” Tinsman said.

Mourning jewelry is similar to Aboriginal mortuary rites, Purcell’s personal favorite burial ritual. “Bodies were placed on a raised platform, covered with leaves and branches, to decompose for months until just bones remained,” Purcell explained. “Those bones were then painted with red ochre and placed in a cave or worn by their family members.”

Get broken down into chemicals

One of the newest and coolest ways of body decomposition is alkaline hydrolysis. “This is where the body is placed in a chamber that is then filled with a mixture of water and lye. It is then heated to 160 °C, but at a high pressure, which prevents boiling,” explained Carvaly. “The body is broken down into its chemical components (amino acids, peptides, salt, sugar) in liquid form. The process takes about three hours. This is not legal in all states yet but I am sure that one day it will be.”

Donate your body to necrophilia…?

Some people would rather go out with a bang. My friend Marty says he wants his body donated to a necrophiliac. Would that work? “Oddly enough this would be the only one that would be difficult in accomplishing,” said Carvaly. “You could temporarily donate it, but you would really need to make sure that whoever has control over your body at the end of your life is onboard with it. It’s likely they could temporarily let your favorite necrophiliac have a go and then give the body back. Because at some point the state needs to know where that dead body went. I don’t really know of any bodies that slipped through the cracks and were never buried, cremated, or donated to science.” None of the death babes were into this idea. “Yeah, no. Sorry, Marty,” says Purcell. “Gonna have to try and visit the bone zone while you’re still alive.”

For more information about funeral rights and options visit the Funeral Consumers Alliance and the Green Burial Council.