tinder

You Might Be Sabotaging Yourself on Dating Apps

This post originally ran in GQ. Art credit: GQ

From a single woman’s perspective, swiping right on someone who hasn’t filled out their Tinder profile is the equivalent of playing Russian roulette; there is literally a chance you will die. For women, “the worst” on a first date is always possible—I do mean death, not bad breath or a filthy apartment. The “About Me” section on your dating app profile is one of the few clues we have that you’re not a serial killer. Fill it out.

Now, there are two ideal Tinder circumstances. The first, a personal favorite, is when you see and match with someone whom you already know in real life, and have always had a crush on, but never were able to act on it. The second is when you see a photo of a person you’re attracted to, with a bio that makes you smile. The perfect bio should be light and witty: Do not use your bio to make fun of women for selfies, for enjoying astrology, or for any other reason. (I see this a lot, and I’m constantly perplexed that some men still think negging works!) Include a brief description of yourself—this can even be a collection of Emojis that you connect with. Describe how you like to spend your time, and what you’re looking for. Just put something inoffensive there.

I understand that writing a dating profile is awkward, and you may be tempted to intentionally leave your bio blank to play it cool. But dating is awkward. So is sex. So is being alive! Swimming against the awkward current by “playing it cool” only makes it worse. You might be missing out on a great relationship—one in which you both actually like one another and have hot sex—because you were playing it cool.

When you leave your profile blank, your potential matches are left to wonder who you are and what you’re hiding. What have you done in your past? Are you actually available for dating? If you don’t fill out your profile I have no way of knowing! You aren’t giving me any information to go on.

If I don’t automatically assume you are a man of unsavory secrets, I assume you’re incredibly arrogant. I assume that you think you’re so special that filling out a profile is a moot point. Perhaps you expect that women will see your face and swipe right, sucked in by your winning smile. That might work sometimes. You might even get dates, but they’ll probably be pretty lousy: You’re not matching with people based on compatibility, just on your weird Tinder photos.

Leaving your dating app bio empty also makes you look lazy. As the old adage goes: Laziness in your Tinder profile implies laziness in bed. And yes, that is how women’s minds work. So please, write a line or two about yourself so I know you’re not a lazy, self-absorbed sociopath with a secret wife.

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3 Things You Should Add to Your Tinder Bio If You’re a Short Guy

Did I mention I’m writing for GQ now? Dream come true. This article was originally published on GQ.com. 

Short guys: I’m sorry. The stigma against you is unfair, especially when it comes to Tinder. When the next option is simply a swipe of a finger away, it’s too easy to dismiss a potentially perfect partner based on shallow attributes. Women don’t really give a fuck about height IRL, but then we jump on Tinder and we’re faced with all these giant men boasting about their heights (“6’3”, because apparently that’s important to you”) and it starts to feel like a priority. Height is important to some women, but they’re usually the ones looking for one-off sexual encounters, rather than a love stronger than superficial requirements. Perhaps you’re thinking: “This is some bullshit, women should love me for me, not my height, and I’m not going to mention it.” But if you’re shorter than the average U.S. male height (5’9”) there are actually benefits to listing your height on your Tinder profile—at least, within a few inches. Calling 5’5” 5’6”, for example, seems relatively harmless. Just don’t outright lie, by using photos that aren’t you or by calling yourself an entire six inches taller than you actually are. Lying will start your first date off on a bad foot, and no one wants to fuck a liar.

A soothing FYI: I’ve dated guys who are 5’5” with much bigger dicks than guys who are 6’5”.

A cautionary FYI: Never brag about your dick size on a Tinder profile.

If you play it right, you can appear suave and confident right out the gate. Here are some non-douchey suggestions to put in your Tinder profile if you’re short.

“I’m 5’4” but don’t give a fuck if you wear heels.”

Unless you have reached enlightenment—Gandhi was 5’4”—if you’re a short guy you likely dogive a fuck if the lady standing next to you wears heels. Non-Gandhi straight men typically want to be yuge-er than their mate (can you even imagine how extra awful Trump would be if he was short?) This dates back to caveman roles where the man was expected to protect his kin from saber tooth tigers (probably). Therefore, for many short men a woman of equal or lesser height should be an ideal match. But ugh, heels. In my experiences dating shorter guys, their prickly discomfort when I wore heels (Doc Martens don’t work at an upscale holiday party, sorry) was my biggest beef. Owning your height and acting secure enough to be okay with women wearing heels is a stepping stone to fantastic sex.

“I’m 5’5″ so we can’t ride everything at the fair unless you bring a large trench coat.”

This Tinder bio suggestion came directly from my friend Dave, who has used it with success. Being funny and irreverent gets you laid. Confidence gets you laid. You know who I’d like to swipe right with? Al Pacino. Sure, he’s 5’7”, but he’s Al Pacino (Al Paci-YES). Confidence is everything. Add this to your profile because it shows you don’t give a fuck; you’re so dope you’ll sit on a chick’s soldiers in a trench coat like you’re in The Little Rascals.

“I’m the same height as Gael García Bernal.”

Not only is Gael García Bernal hot as hell (holy Motorcycle Diaries) but you’re shifting the short-guy association away from the Tom Cruises and Napoleons of the world. The dreaded Napoleon Complex implies that as a short guy, you suffer from insecurities that lead to brutal war crimes (or, you know, being rude to waiters). That stereotype is often inaccurate, but we’ve all heard it. Redirect her attention to a sexy, successful, non-war criminal. Daniel Radcliffe is 5’5” and who doesn’t want to fuck Harry Potter? Prince (RIP), the man capable of delivering the most powerful orgasm on the planet, was 5’2”. By using celebrity comparisons rather than numbers, you’re also allowing for useful (and erotic) visualization.

A final soothing FYI: I’m still not entirely sure how tall my current boyfriend is, and we live together. He’s somewhere around my height, but I’m not even entirely sure how tall I am. Further proof that women truly DGAF about height.